Effective immediately or maybe not.

(this entry was written last 07/05/2012)

What if I tell you that I'm ready to leave?

To give you the letter, pack my few stuff in a paper bag, and ride down the elevator with my freedom back.

You see, it was a pretty decent ride. It wasn't all that bad--but the times that I had to endure a long dragging day, the times that I had to force myself to sleep around midnight and wake up six hours later (and forego the bliss that late hours bring me, you see I've always been a nocturnal. I work best past midnight. But no, I had to make my body and mind rest at that point of the day wherein I am at my best...so I could be sort of awake for you. But it seldom work, doesn't it? Most of the time, I am still sleepy even when I am with you. There were even mornings that I actually slept. It sort of started to feel that it's going downhill...) Sometimes, I don't see it worth it anymore. However, you also introduced me to a few good people and some regular ones. LOL. Regular in a way that, they do their shit, I do mine. What their opinions about me are, I don't really care. There are few ones--four to be exact, lol--oh okay, plus the guys' group that just mind their own stuff as well, so seven...seven people, that I get along pretty well. The remaining others well...I co-exist. Haha. One of these seven people, we talk about emotional stuff, about love, frustrations, philosophy, and unrequited love. The other one, we've been good friends from the start--and our constant topic during conversations? Our fear of being stuck with you. The other one is a friend of the latter and graduated with the same course as mine--so that kinda speaks for itself, we have some similarities. As for the guys, one of them I talk about wrestling with, another one is a fun company over a bottle of beer, and the other one, well he's sort of like my big brother, I ask him stuff about life and love and trust--and his kid is just so adorable! And there's the last one who have always looked after me. I was just talking to her minutes ago, as I write this...and I maybe I'll let her read this entry some time, maybe. I've always kept a safe distance from everyone, minding my own shit and not interfering with theirs. It's just because I don't feel I belong, majority of the people you're with doesn't amuse me or even hold my interest. But her, she just looked after me--asking me where I am if I don't show up, telling me to be well when I'm sick, she freaking cares and that touched me so much, although I don't actually show it. We sort of get along well too and she's not part of the majority. She's one of the rare, genuine, and interesting people that you have--so take care of her and do it well. I can't help but feel that in leaving you, I am leaving some friends behind as well because of these people, especially her. But I need to move forward with my life and do the things that would give me fulfillment, that whenever I spend hours doing it, I won't feel like I'm moving further and further away from my goal...that when I sleep at night, no matter how knackered and worn out I am, I'll still be excited and look forward to waking up. I know it's not gonna be easy, but I need to do this for myself.

You've been good. I haven't been fair to you, I know that. Although I gave you the best I could in my outputs, I did not do it with enthusiasm but out of resentment or obligation. I hated you, I thought of you as something that's keeping me locked in, most of the time I've spent with you I wished for the day to end immediately, at first you bored me then you became too routinary and then I just abhorred you--and you did not deserve all that. Day after day, I still dragged my feet to your place without any enthusiasm. I did not even give you the value they gave you--I treated you as something that I am forced to do, something that I couldn't give a shit about, as something that I could easily replace. And I sort of feel bad for that. You deserve respect and gratitude, in some way, and I failed to give that to you since I was so busy thinking you made my life miserable and shit. Well, I'm not saying that you didn't, haha! But you did something else, you also helped me as I work on my way to independence and that's something.

I'm sorry for not being around as much as I'm supposed to. If you felt that I took you for granted, I apologize. I know I should be thankful that I have you, but just know that I can't settle for something that isn't for me. It just didn't work and I'm sorry but I am ready to leave.

You've been good. I might miss you. Who knows, lol. More power to you and to the people you're with. 

Thankful,

K. {k10}

07/05/2012-----------on the other hand, I don't feel like posting this right now. idk why. haha. i'll save it as draft first and maybe post it when the time is right.

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09/20/2012-----------now is the right time, tomorrow is my last day and indeed, it was effective immediately. au revoir.