I know it was a mirror but I couldn't stare at it.

I do not usually write about this. I do not usually write about myself and the things that I feel, this directly. But let me try.

Priorities. That has been in my mind for quite some time now. It was almost a year ago when I was wildly ranting to Lex as to how scared I am of graduation, of how everything is so vague, and I was so indecisive with what to do with my life. Other people had no options, I thought I had so much and I don't know which path to take. I sent him an ultra-long, bipolar message talking about these things. He said I should know about my priorities. What are they and what do I really want and gear my life towards that.

A year later, I am asking myself the same question. Back then, I was too distracted. Too baffled and too consumed in the fast pace life that I was living that I did not actually pay attention to what he said. Now, I here I am. Asking myself what is it really, what is that thing that I consider the most important aspect in my life? What is it that I choose to prioritize?

It's not job. It's not money. And as much as this would make me sound like an asshole, not even my friends and family. I love them, I do, so much. But I have always been a lonely soul (or maybe I'm just too self-centered), I don't know. I don't know yet. I always have this feeling that I need to live my life and in some way, I will not able to do that if I am prioritizing other people.

So why am I feeling this sadness, this pity for myself? To tell you the truth, I rarely feel special and valued and prioritized. It has always been about other people, what they want, what I could do for them, and all that. I don't regret anything though, I do it out of love. I have always been a giver. 

To answer my question, I am feeling this sadness and pity for myself because I have never prioritized myself. Although I wanted to, I tried, I know I should... But I never did. Even if I did not give myself out fully to anyone, it has and still, had always revolved around the people that I love.

No regrets.

I just feel so drained. Until when will I be able to give? How long will my supply last? Every single day that I wake up, I feel more and more empty. Isn't it that when you do things for the people you love, you will feel fulfilled? Like you would not even need a compensation or anything. You do it and you'll just be happy about it. That happens to me. I have, within me, a big supply of love, affection, and care and for a long time, I have been showering the people I love with it.

Then one day, while I was busy dividing all my time to all the people that I care about, I saw a shadow. That shadow once moved so fast, but now it staggers as it walks. I could not see any colour in this shadow, not even any amount of light. That shadow is getting more and more blurred every second as well, like slowly vanishing into thin air, being part of the darkness that continues to get a grip of it. I tried to  hold its hand, they were cold and lifeless and wrinkled. I asked it to raise its head, to show me its face--and what a horror! The shadow doesn't even have eyes, all it have is a pair of infinite black holes to where its eyes once were.

It can no longer stare at you with empty eyes, it no longer have eyes.

(as you can see, I have left the topic about priority unfinished. this entry evolved into something else and I have no apologies for that. as I write, I let my writing take its own course, be something that it wants to be. these are the times that I refuse to control my writing, because these are the times that I let my soul loose free.)