I did not intend to write about this right now (I have work and I should be writing for it, lol) but in some way, I seek comfort in you, dear words. This needs to make sense. I need to pull my self out of this pit... I miss being comfortable with myself. I miss not giving a damn as to how others would think. I miss dressing up (or down, lol) without a care in the world and I'd still look fabulous because I am just so damn happy with myself.
Yesterday, I was talking to a friend who applied in one of the leading magazine publications in the country. He said that the publication's looking for people who are really into fashion (they have a travel magazine, that's where I wanna be) and he said that the other applicants as well as almost all the people in there are...in verbatim..."mga pinanganak na naka-suot ng couture." (born already dressed in couture)
Probably a modern way of saying "born with a silver spoon" or something like that. Those that woke up to bacon and eggs every morning, those that stayed in air-conditioned homes and travelled in their own private vehicles with their own private drivers. So that wear "couture."
So what is it, really?
cou·ture
noun \kü-ˈtu̇r, -ˈtuer\Definition of COUTURE
1
: the business of designing, making, and selling fashionable custom-made women's clothing
The thing here is that, I did not come from an affluent family. We had enough, we are plainly middle class. My parents provided me with my basic needs and maybe some other things that I wanted, not needed--but always in moderation. I grew up in a regular-sized house in the small city of Antipolo, I wake up up to milk and champorado or oatmeal every morning, I go to school by foot (sometimes I ride a tricycle), I go to places commuting, the tricycle, jeepney, and fx drivers know me by name. That has been my life, even until now, even if a year ago my parents already bought a car for me .
Yes, we had money, but it was just enough. Sometimes we get a little bit more, hence we are able to buy nice stuff.
So what is it, really?
Now that I am living on my own, independent from my parents--even financially, I am experiencing how difficult it is to make just barely enough. Sometimes even, it's not enough. And along with that, I am feeling this pressure of looking like all of these "nice-looking girls." But my dilemma are these--I gained weight so most of my clothes don't fit well anymore, I am broke most of the time so I don't have money to spend on new "couture" ones (and we all know these clothes are expensive), and I miss my self!!! I feel like the world's sort of coercing me to change--to adapt into this new life that I chose... And freaking hell, the pressure is ever so increasing, my bank account is literally empty, and this is all just getting so sad, depressing even.
This isn't a bitter entry about all the rich people and their money and how they look nice and all that. Good for them they have the financial and physical capacity to look real nice. But you see! I have other things to attend to--I grew up worrying about my family, myself. I grew up taking care of myself and I had to know how to survive. I had no one to rely to, my parents left me on my own and granted me independence early in life--I did not have time to go to the salon and dermatologist. The money I would spend on a pretty dress that costs a few thousands, I would spend that on my daily food and fare. It did not occur to me to ask my parents for things that I don't think are necessary. I was living on a daily basis, doing my best to survive, learning how to live life with just enough. I learned about different places because I had to commute. Now, I can practically go to almost anywhere and I'm pretty sure I'll survive.
I don't have the clear fair skin--I grew up playing under the sun, running through rice fields, and fetching the carabao from the river when the sun's about to set. I grew up climbing mango trees and eating the fruits right after it was picked. I grew up carrying shit that are heavier than me--I had no one to rely to. As a matter of fact, my family even relied on me (since my dad is away and my mom can't do heavy loads since she's sick).
So you see... I did not have time to pamper myself. I was so busy being strong for my family and for myself. I had to toughen myself so I'll be able to survive as a kid, as a teenager.
And here I am again. Trying to survive as an adult, with barely enough.
Tell me, do I really have to think about pretty clothes at this point of my life?
Never did I see the point of dressing up as a rich person when I'm not. And I don't think I would even like that. A few nice stuff is enough. A few extra thousands would be good. But to tell you the truth, if I'll be making lots of money, it'll probably go to plane tickets. :)
I miss being comfortable in my own skin. Improvement and change must never be involuntary. Fuck you, pressure. Fuck you, insecurity.
I miss you, self. I'll get back to you, soon enough. And I'll be with you as we seek for change and improvement, in all aspects--physical, financial, etc. But for now, we'll focus of surviving and making it through every two weeks.
Stop being sad now. :} You're good, you're fine. People love you. That's more than enough to be thankful for. You're smart, you make sense, you are independent. You are your own person and just be patient, give yourself time...nice things will come.
p.s.
stop comparing yourself to other people. you're just insulting your own awesomeness.
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