Lifeless Midnight Cinderella.

This is sucking the life out of me and everyday it is getting more and more difficult.

I ask myself, as I rummage through my clothes--why do I even have to worry about how I look? Why do I feel the pressure to look "smart?" I miss those days that I could just pick any of my clothes at random and look...fabulous. Hahaha. I kid. It was mostly plain and basic stuff, but heck, I was damn comfortable.

I'm starting to really hate this. I wake up everyday dreading the fact that I need to go out there again, push myself to do stuff, put up with bullshit and judgement from most people that I don't even like, try all sorts of things just to convince myself that this is fucking worth it.

---and I am reminded of this ass-kisser, ohmygoodness, WHY.

This is sucking the life out of me. What happened to the old me that is full of energy?! So, this is the price of getting a pretty neat amount of money every two weeks? My enthusiasm in  life?

Is that worth it?

Yesterday, Steven Covey died... And while writing this right now, I remember a couple of quotes that I encounter on his son's book... (maybe I'll write another entry about the Coveys sometimes soon...)

"What gains a man if he loses his own soul and gains the world?"

"If who I am is what I have and what I have is lost... Then who am I?"

The guy said "Be positive."

And I swear dear heavens, I am trying all the possible ways to be positive. But as the days go on, it feels like I'm just trying to make the most of what's left in my jar of optimism. I've been very patient.

But I don't know how long I can go on with this.

So, this is what it's really like to be a zombie.

I want my life back. I want my enthusiasm and zest for life to be in me again. 

I want to be that big ball of energy again. 

I don't want to waste 10 hours, every single day, of my life anymore. 

Other people might be able to put up with it. I can't.

My arms hurt. My eyes are tired. My head is heavy. I am not happy.

And I have only been awake for what, an hour or two?!!?

Please, universe. Please, help me out here. Thanks.

p.s.

You want to know what I'm talking about? This--I wake up at 6am, sit in front of the computer for 9 hours, muster all my energy to remain calm and just ignore the majority of the bullshit that is around me, have a short chat with the very few "real" and smart people in here (most of the time as we go home), and get the hell out of here by 4pm. It is only during 4pm until midnight that I am actually living and laughing and loving. So, a sort of Cinderalla-midnight-deadline-thing, huh?  Is that how you've always imagined your life to be, at 21?! Is this your idea of ultimate enjoyment? Of living life? Of freedom after college? Of actually being into the world and experiencing all that it has to offer? Or is this you, settling with what's convenient, available, and inside the comfort zone? I don't know about other people, I don't want to judge. But for me, I have never been comfortable in the comfort zone. I'm dying in here. This is sucking the life out of me and everyday it gets more and more difficult.