"You laugh, but you don't smile anymore..."

You lost yourself. In the skylines, citylights, and busy streets.

You found your home, amidst strangers and strange places.

You lost your trust. As the years have battered you with lies.

You found your hope. You found yourself. Now, lose your doubts.

Sometimes, I feel like disappearing. Like the whole world is engulfing me, hanging me from a very high place, suspending me on air, telling me to just be still. Sometimes, I just want to disappear, to be small, to be invisible. There are things I don't understand, about the world, about others, about myself. 

In here, I'll write about sad things. Things that you might find petty, things that might offend you, things that you might not care about. Be sure that you really want to read more...

It hurts so much. Not just on certain aspects but in general. There are times that I feel so weak, so much in pain, yet I have to be the strong one. I'll have to be the one who won't fall down. And now, even being like this is already a problem. I've been detached from my emotions for a long time now, that it's now causing a riff in my life. I feel like there's nothing right that I'll ever do, that my perceptions of things are arbitrarily wrong, that all I keep on making are wrong decisions, that I'm living life harshly. That I'm reckless and careless and I make lots of mistakes. But that's part of me. I choose to do things, even if I don't know much about it, even if I'm not sure, because I need to do it. Because I need to find it out myself. If things go wrong, if I fail, if it doesn't work out--at least I learned something. And I'll know better next time. It's not that I don't trust the advice of people around me, it's just my nature. To feel things with my own hands before I believe them, to see proof, to feel that its genuine and really existing. The doubting Thomas, you might say. But what can I do? I grew up with people who did nothing but deceive and lie to me. I don't think it's really my fault that I turned into this kind of person now. Forgive my trust issues, forgive my doubts, forgive me. And here's the deal. Don't use it to crush me further down, help me get away from them. Help me save myself from my doubts. Even if it means exerting effort. I am not asking for it, all I'm saying is that if you want to help me, that's the way to roll. Many many years have shaped me into this kind of person, I cannot change this in just a matter of a few months. Nor I believe I can do that change alone. 

Right at this very moment, in this second--I feel alone. I feel sad. I feel weak. I even feel like crying, but what would that do, really?

This is who I am and in being somebody else, I feel like I'm betraying myself. And there is a line between improvement and totally changing one's self. In improvement, you keep your roots, you hold on to what is in your core, and you make them better. In totally changing, you abandon who you were before, you pull your roots out and hope you will survive despite, you change yourself physically, emotionally, mentally... for what? 

Most of my decisions and the way I think may not be in accordance with the standard rules of everyone. And I don't see why I should comply. Because maybe, you know, I'm one of those people who are actually here to initiate change. And I would hate betraying my purpose just so I can be a part of the "general" humanity. I know that's a bit obnoxious or maybe even delusional, or maybe I'm just justifying my defiance, but the thing here is this--this is how I roll. And even if I do things my way, not in adherence with what is standard, I actually manage to pull it off. I believe in myself and I know the universe is here to back me up. Or maybe at least I used to.

I roll, I stumble, I fall--hard. But heck, I also swim and fly.

However, I laugh but I don't smile. I want that to change.