The Madness of Trust, Betrayal, Doubts, and Love

It rarely happens, but sometimes, you're just aimlessly wandering on random roads and some profound knowledge from an unknown universe will hit you straight in the head and knock you out of the things you have always believed are right.

Well, it's not that they're necessarily wrong, no. It's more like, there are things we shouldn't focus on. And that's what hit me. I've been too obsessed with my doubts that I forgot how to trust.

And it was yesterday that I was reminded, there was a point in my life that I ultimately broke someone's trust. And I did it with all my knowledge and will, with a defense that "I couldn't help it!" I was young and stupid. Despite that, the person I betrayed loved me still. Until now. She loved me despite of what I did, no matter how grave it was. I broke her trust yet she was patient with me. When I was avoiding her deep inside because of the guilt, she still showered me with love. She did not give up on me, despite the fact that I had hurt her deeply.

As a matter of fact. She's not the only one. There are two of them, actually. Two wonderful women that loved me despite all my wrongs, despite my young naivete, despite the fact that I broke their trust.

Now, at this point of my life, why am I so scared to have my trust broken? Why am I obsessed with the dread of somebody betraying me? This isn't helpful to anybody. I need to let go of the doubts.

And remember that more than once in my life, I broke the trust that was given on me and despite that, the person I did wrong still trusted me.

I need to understand trust. I need to understand it in its purity. I need to learn how to trust fully again.

Life has caused me to suspend my capacity to trust. To live in fear of being left behind. To be always prepared. To have a back-up plan. To not be so attached.

Life taught me that everyone will leave.

It is just now that I am realizing that, that's not the point of life. You don't let people into your life and the be consumed with fear that they might leave anytime. The point is loving freely, whether the person will stay or go. Why worry about things that aren't there? Why complicate things? Why sabotage love?

Life taught me that everyone will leave.

So? If everyone will leave, why not make the most of what you have at the present? We will leave others too. I've left so many people in the past hanging. I did not dare invest anything in them, yet I knew they had their hopes high on the concept of me and them. I was aware of that, but since I was bored, I went along. And when things get too serious, I jump off the train, hangout on the station for a bit, and when another interesting train comes along, I'll hop in. Then jump off again. It was a crazy cycle.

The problem with people like me is this: We don't mind leaving other people, no matter how devastating it might be for them. As long as we haven't invested anything yet. But once we do, we get too attached. We live in fear, in the obsession of being left. Because people who always leave first are those who have a deep fear of being left behind.

Well anyway, I don't know if I made my point or I just practically rambled all throughout this blog entry. I need to get back to work now though. And will all of these realizations, I shall part with these last lines from the Bridge of the River Kwai (a film that I watched with the dear one, hehe)

Major Clipton: Madness! Madness!

All those doubts and fears are madness. Life and love are madness. 
Choose your side well.

Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche