Je suis désolé.

I'm sorry that I don't have the emotional capability to be empathetic. I'm sorry that I can't find the right words, I'm sorry that you feel I'm dismissing or deceiving you. I'm sorry that I can only open my heart and access my emotions for a limited level. I'm sorry that I can't provide the trust, support, and concern that you need. 

Years and life have turned me into the kind of person I am now. 

I've denied myself with emotions for so long. When things are presented to me, I view them in a pragmatic way. The life I have now taught me to dismiss emotions. Because they hurt, because they break me, because I am weary and fragile. Because I am scared, Because I don't know what to say. Because I'm scared that I might say the wrong things. Because I am scared of myself and I am scared of you, and of us, and of everything. I am scared with the world. I am scared that I'll turn into someone I don't like.

"You're so screwed up you can no longer see the good in anyone."

I heard that in Law & Order, and guess what, I got scared for myself. What if I'll turn (or have turned) into someone like that? I don't want that life. But the way I lived my life, it is about protecting myself, because no one was there... Because at such a young age, I was forced to act and think like an adult. I've been around awful people, I've observed and associated with them well enough that I can be like them. You're right, I am deceiving. Because I've been exposed to such people all my life. I learned how their mind works, how they function, how and why they do it. And as I told you, I need to think like them so I can protect myself from them.

Apparently, doing that turned me into some sort of a monster. 

Maybe I am. I don't know anymore. All I know is that I'm sorry for the pain that I have caused.

And know that I care, know that you matter, it's just that I don't know how to express it in the spoken words. I need to find the right words, I need to see the comma, I need to slow down as I write, I need to know that I can read everything after I write it, and edit it. I'm scared of talking because spoken words has a finality to them--and I am scared of finality. Although I am aware that it can come anytime.

Again, I'm sorry.