I need to kill myself so I could be alive again.

This is how I deal with pain. This is how I get rid of the heavy feeling I carry in me. I kill myself.

How many times have I done that? Innumerable, definitely.

Since when? Since I was 9. I am turning 21 on Tuesday. Talk about tenure and expertise on the field.

I kill myself not by jumping several floors from the ground, not through a gun that would just leave my head messed up and bloody. I don't want to pass on the pain to the people I will leave behind, there is so much more to life that I still haven't seen and experienced, there's still too much love to give and stories to share. Life is still beautiful and there is still so much that needs to be explored. So, I will not kill myself through the way you think I would.

I kill myself by writing about it, by writing it all out. By staring into the clouds and sky and talking to them, asking them questions that I couldn't find the answer. I kill myself by exposing myself to the core of that pain, to the source of troubles and grief. I wallow in it for a while, as long as I can handle it. And then I wait for the breaking point, for the pivotal moment wherein I can finally say "enough." And then I kill myself by distancing myself to the people that causes my pain. By not exchanging even a word with them, because who knows, another word from these people might cause me to just totally crumble. 

I kill myself by letting myself hurt. By accepting that everyone has the capacity to hurt everyone. That no matter how much love you give or how much you devote yourself to other people, through kindness and genuine care, there will still be some moments wherein they will cause your pain. Whenever this happens, I give myself a few days to think, to analyze the situation, to see it through two different perspectives--logical and emotional. Most of the time, I follow my logical side, because I am pragmatic and because it is what's right. However, there are particular moments wherein my emotional side reigns, and I have no regrets with that. I've made a wrong decision, I've exposed my heart out too much, I got hurt and was left behind with a tattered heart. Big deal. No. Because it is only through experience that we understand and learn about things and I refuse to miss out on everything that life has to offer simply because I am too scared to get hurt or to commit mistakes.

Drowning one's self in pain could be helpful. Bathe in your own fears and misery. Accept them as they are, do not run away from them. And then leave. That is the most important and the most crucial part, the part where you have to leave your grief away. Because in that moment wherein you are submerged to your own pain, whether you accept it or not, you got used to it, it became your comfort. So that is why you must leave. Because pain must never be a state of comfort and happiness must never be feared. 

Bathe in your own fears and misery and then let go. Detach yourself from it and start again. Start again from square one, with wounds healed and wisdom enhanced. It should never be done overnight, be patient. 

This is how I roll. This is how I handle my pain. And minutes ago wherein the pain was too much and I was ready to (literally) curl myself up in the corner, I am reminded of the fact that to deal with this--I need to kill myself so I could be alive again.

I'd rather die over and over and over again, then live over and over and over again, start from square one over and over and over again...than to go with life, jaded, heavily wounded, miserable, full of regrets, and unhappy.